THIS IS THE PART OF ME

I remember the day I realized that things were going in a very wrong direction. 

We were on a hike high up in the canyon. I knew something was wrong - he was very upset about something, but no matter how many times I asked him, he wouldn't ever tell me. When he was mad, I knew from experience that I should just shut up, and expect that the rest of the day would be bad for both of us.

I always tried my best to be there for him, and to make him feel better. I am by no means perfect, and sometimes I would lose my patience, but it was so frustrating to feel that nothing I could do would ever make a difference to him. I always would wonder what I was doing wrong.

He didn't speak a word to me, and ignored my attempts at cheerful conversation. He was more than a foot taller than me, so when he started walking faster, I tried to keep up, but it was seemingly impossible. I didn't want to say anything because I was scared that he would lose his temper and just yell at me, so I tried to hurry faster. I asked him several times to slow down, but he ignored me. After a while I realized that there was no way I would be able to keep up. After about half an hour, I was walking along the edge of a cliff by myself, and he was nowhere in sight. When a large group of male hikers started coming around the corner, I was truly scared for my well-being. Where was he?

When I finally found  him, he told me he didn't notice that  I wasn't behind him for nearly 45 minutes, and was angry with me for not keeping up, and proceeded to make sarcastic comments about it the rest of the time. When we were going down the hill, I just remember he yelled at me the entire time, but I was too scared to say anything because I didn't want to be left alone in the middle of nowhere, and he was my ride back home. If I ever mentioned that maybe we didn't work together, he would get furious, saying that I didn't really love him, and he never said that, so it was clear that he loved me more than I would ever love him, and just yell and yell. I felt like I was obligated to not leave him, even though I was more unhappy than I have ever been in my life.

I rationalized everything that happened, because I understand that everyone has bad days. But after crying every day for nearly a month, I should have recognized that the power struggle going on between us was a bad sign - no matter what I said, he had to top it, or say something to feel above me. When I made suggestions about our relationship, like taking a break, or stopping, he would ignore them, and then bring them up the next day as if they were his idea, just so he could feel superior. Every day he would ask, " What would you do without me?". You don’t have to wait for someone to treat you bad repeatedly. All it takes in once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future.

What is my point in telling this story?

Too many times in our society, youth think that just because they aren't being physically abused that what is happening to them is 'okay' and 'normal', because all couples fight, right? But I don't see it that way at all. There is a difference between a fight, and behavior that is continuous and emotionally detrimental. I have never been in an extreme abusive relationship, but manipulation IS NOT okay either, and leads to abuse. There are so many girls that are pulling themselves through hell when they could get out. After listening to a guy slap and swear at his girlfriend every night across the hall from me, and sometimes see her in the bathroom with tears running down her swollen face, I have really developed strong feelings about this topic.

I want to share this story so that other girls will understand that it doesn't have to be to the point of the extreme before it's not okay and you need to stand up for yourself.

No girl should ever have to be put through an abusive OR manipulative relationship. One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence. Even if they aren’t hitting you, that doesn’t mean that you should put up with emotional distress or fear, or feel like you have to do what they say. Manipulation isn’t okay. If they make you feel like everything is your fault when arguments happen, or make you feel like you can’t do anything right, or even minimize your feelings and not listen to you, these can be signs of manipulation and lead to some form of abuse. You don’t have to rationalize and say, “It’s not that bad”

Love is respect. If they don't treat you right, it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, and no one is perfect - but sometimes what they are doing is simply not okay, and no one should be put through that. You don't ever have to feel like you are too far in, there is no way out, or feel embarrassed to admit that maybe you are in an abusive relationship, or one that could be. 

It is always such a struggle when you feel that your standards are being pushed by your partner, especially in our society and culture. I feel that a lot of girls will say, "Well he is a member of the same church as me, so he will have the same standards.", or "Well he is a returned missionary, so he would never do anything like that to me,", or "Well I know he has the same values as me, so it was just a mistake..he didn't mean to pressure me.". It is so hard when your whole family knows him, or is friends with his family, so you feel the pressure to not say anything and put on a show.

Just because you think that someone has certain values or standards DOES NOT mean that they do, or give them any right to challenge yours. It is disappointing to find out that someone doesn't have the values that you expected, but that doesn't rationalize them pressuring you to do things you aren't comfortable with. 

We are by no means perfect, but love is respect, and our shortcomings should not be justifications to be manipulated.

I am so grateful for the Atonement of my Savior, because I believe that God wants you to be delivered from what you have done and from what has been done to you – both are equally important to Him. Forgiveness does not mean you have to say what they did is okay. But you can feel peace again. After having a bad experience when I was younger and running into a bad situation and being taken advantage of, I can tell you that even after it is all over and the court dates are done, I know that the Savior can take this pain from you.

There are people out there who will love you and care for you, and treat you how you deserve to be treated. Since the time of this story, I have been able to realize this. You never need to stay with someone because you are afraid there is no one else.

Remember: One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We need to all be strong, and stick up for ourselves. Be kind, but don't let other people walk all over you and put you down. We all deserve better than that.

LOVE IS RESPECT.