THIS IS THE PART OF ME

I remember the day I realized that things were going in a very wrong direction. 

We were on a hike high up in the canyon. I knew something was wrong - he was very upset about something, but no matter how many times I asked him, he wouldn't ever tell me. When he was mad, I knew from experience that I should just shut up, and expect that the rest of the day would be bad for both of us.

I always tried my best to be there for him, and to make him feel better. I am by no means perfect, and sometimes I would lose my patience, but it was so frustrating to feel that nothing I could do would ever make a difference to him. I always would wonder what I was doing wrong.

He didn't speak a word to me, and ignored my attempts at cheerful conversation. He was more than a foot taller than me, so when he started walking faster, I tried to keep up, but it was seemingly impossible. I didn't want to say anything because I was scared that he would lose his temper and just yell at me, so I tried to hurry faster. I asked him several times to slow down, but he ignored me. After a while I realized that there was no way I would be able to keep up. After about half an hour, I was walking along the edge of a cliff by myself, and he was nowhere in sight. When a large group of male hikers started coming around the corner, I was truly scared for my well-being. Where was he?

When I finally found  him, he told me he didn't notice that  I wasn't behind him for nearly 45 minutes, and was angry with me for not keeping up, and proceeded to make sarcastic comments about it the rest of the time. When we were going down the hill, I just remember he yelled at me the entire time, but I was too scared to say anything because I didn't want to be left alone in the middle of nowhere, and he was my ride back home. If I ever mentioned that maybe we didn't work together, he would get furious, saying that I didn't really love him, and he never said that, so it was clear that he loved me more than I would ever love him, and just yell and yell. I felt like I was obligated to not leave him, even though I was more unhappy than I have ever been in my life.

I rationalized everything that happened, because I understand that everyone has bad days. But after crying every day for nearly a month, I should have recognized that the power struggle going on between us was a bad sign - no matter what I said, he had to top it, or say something to feel above me. When I made suggestions about our relationship, like taking a break, or stopping, he would ignore them, and then bring them up the next day as if they were his idea, just so he could feel superior. Every day he would ask, " What would you do without me?". You don’t have to wait for someone to treat you bad repeatedly. All it takes in once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future.

What is my point in telling this story?

Too many times in our society, youth think that just because they aren't being physically abused that what is happening to them is 'okay' and 'normal', because all couples fight, right? But I don't see it that way at all. There is a difference between a fight, and behavior that is continuous and emotionally detrimental. I have never been in an extreme abusive relationship, but manipulation IS NOT okay either, and leads to abuse. There are so many girls that are pulling themselves through hell when they could get out. After listening to a guy slap and swear at his girlfriend every night across the hall from me, and sometimes see her in the bathroom with tears running down her swollen face, I have really developed strong feelings about this topic.

I want to share this story so that other girls will understand that it doesn't have to be to the point of the extreme before it's not okay and you need to stand up for yourself.

No girl should ever have to be put through an abusive OR manipulative relationship. One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence. Even if they aren’t hitting you, that doesn’t mean that you should put up with emotional distress or fear, or feel like you have to do what they say. Manipulation isn’t okay. If they make you feel like everything is your fault when arguments happen, or make you feel like you can’t do anything right, or even minimize your feelings and not listen to you, these can be signs of manipulation and lead to some form of abuse. You don’t have to rationalize and say, “It’s not that bad”

Love is respect. If they don't treat you right, it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, and no one is perfect - but sometimes what they are doing is simply not okay, and no one should be put through that. You don't ever have to feel like you are too far in, there is no way out, or feel embarrassed to admit that maybe you are in an abusive relationship, or one that could be. 

It is always such a struggle when you feel that your standards are being pushed by your partner, especially in our society and culture. I feel that a lot of girls will say, "Well he is a member of the same church as me, so he will have the same standards.", or "Well he is a returned missionary, so he would never do anything like that to me,", or "Well I know he has the same values as me, so it was just a mistake..he didn't mean to pressure me.". It is so hard when your whole family knows him, or is friends with his family, so you feel the pressure to not say anything and put on a show.

Just because you think that someone has certain values or standards DOES NOT mean that they do, or give them any right to challenge yours. It is disappointing to find out that someone doesn't have the values that you expected, but that doesn't rationalize them pressuring you to do things you aren't comfortable with. 

We are by no means perfect, but love is respect, and our shortcomings should not be justifications to be manipulated.

I am so grateful for the Atonement of my Savior, because I believe that God wants you to be delivered from what you have done and from what has been done to you – both are equally important to Him. Forgiveness does not mean you have to say what they did is okay. But you can feel peace again. After having a bad experience when I was younger and running into a bad situation and being taken advantage of, I can tell you that even after it is all over and the court dates are done, I know that the Savior can take this pain from you.

There are people out there who will love you and care for you, and treat you how you deserve to be treated. Since the time of this story, I have been able to realize this. You never need to stay with someone because you are afraid there is no one else.

Remember: One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We need to all be strong, and stick up for ourselves. Be kind, but don't let other people walk all over you and put you down. We all deserve better than that.

LOVE IS RESPECT.

There are 61 Days

61.

Thats all. There's 61 days until I leave.

It is finally sunny in this ice pit where I live. And maybe - dare I say - even warm. There are 3 weeks until the second semester of my freshman year is over - that combined with the warm weather and the fact that I am leaving soon has led me to start feeling the creeping up of a syndrome I developed around this time last year:

SENIORITUS. Except this time I'm not a senior, and I'm no where near graduating hahaha. But the sensation of knowing there is something big ahead of you is an indescribable feeling, and I am really feeling it today.

Stroke of luck: I got to go home so I didn't have to watch conference by myself like a loser. Saturday was definitely an adventure. My mom left me the car so I could run little munchkins around, and then pick her up from work. Awesome. Problem was, that she took the keys with her to work. Niicccce. Luckily, she works within reasonable walking distance, so my baby brother and I decided we'd walk down to get her. I love that walk. It makes me so happy to be home sweet home with the farms. And see that little flower head band? I found that at Wal-mart, and I needed it. I am a little obsessed with it.

My mom works at the cutest little scrapbooking store. Every time I go in I always manage to find a few gems. This time it was a piece of paper with cats printed all over it, and two rolls of decorative tape - with CATS on them!!! I should probably mention that I have an obsession with writing letters - this tape was the perfect finishing touch to tape my envelopes closed (they are going to out Thailand, Ohio, LA and Alabama, so I am OCD about sealing them tightly ;) ).

I also brought home a new little friend with me! A baby daffodil from Wal-Mart for 98 cents baby! When I bought it, it wasn't even close to blooming. Two days later, it hatched 3 flowers - I swear their plants are on steroids. I love my babies. They make my room so happy. Oh, and that's my gorgeous little sis.

Random pieces of inspiration in my life today: First, a refurbishment fashion show. I was blown away by the time and creativity that went into dresses of all kinds, costing $0, and made of newspaper, garbage bags, metal, and rope. It made me really wish that I could go back in time to my high school days - I would have totally just made my prom dresses out of garbage just to make a statement and save thousands of dollars. No kidding. I totally think I could have done it if I #1 had thought of it, and #2 escaped my preppy high school mind set about having that glittery typical prom dress. My senior prom I did actually wear a super different retro sailor dress that was super adorable...and I don't regret wearing...but still. I saw dresses in that fashion show I would have worn to prom in a second. My favorite dress was one made of black garbage bags, twisted into straps in the back, and into a poofed high-low skirt. In the front, they broke a mirror and glued all the pieces into a design. It was awesome.

Second, was a very unexpected dose of inspiration: a trip to my English professor's office. I want to live there.

SO retro. The furniture was all just second hand, and completely retro - a big orange arm chair, white plastic table, and the tiny little bookshelves....<3 I saw this tape dispenser I was suddenly obsessed with (I'm a freak, I know). It was a matte peach color...I want it. There were so many old tattered books, and I thought it was pretty cool...until I saw this.

A cat book.

OMG. My professor just made it to the top of my list. From the bottom. That's how awesomely retro his office was. Now I want to go home and put my hair in a pin up do and put on some red lipstick.

Welllll that is all! Just some random happenings...funny that I took time to write about this, and I haven't even mentioned Paris.....that's next on my list ;)

Virtual Hugs from me to you.
XOXO

To CHANGE Your Mind

The art of change. One of the most powerful things I think a human being can do.

I had been feeling depressed for a while, and had just spent an afternoon crying in my bed. Absolutely miserable. I can't even pinpoint what exactly it was - just a whole mess of things, life in general. I remember I looked out the window, and wondered how I  could possibly completely change from such unhappiness to the happiness that I wanted?

There is a woman that I look up to so much, for so many things - for her positive attitude, for her confidence, her sparkling personality. I had heard her say, "Leave the disappointments of the past, where it needs to stay, in the past. We all make mistakes or have things happen that we wish we could undo, whether it was eating an entire cheesecake or feeling you failed at something. But know that you are free from those things, today, this week, this month, this year...are all chances to feel like you have a fresh start.Our pasts don't keep us marked as failures, but any moment we can choose success, and all paths to success are filled with the stepping stones of failures. Let's make this year different, lets make this year the year for awesome change. The year to stand up for your dreams, the year to live bigger, do things that scare you, be the you that wants to shine from your heart, try new things, be bolder, happier, and braver...we CAN DO IT!"

It made me remember that every day I wake up, I have the choice to be happy, or to let life get me down. Things are gonna happen no matter what - and it sounds cliche, but it is how you decide to deal with them that determines whether you are a happy person or not.

That moment I decided to change. Change the way I was looking at life, some of my habits, and choose to be happy about everything. And it worked. I can't even remember a time in my life I have been more happy, more blessed, and feel overwhelmed each day and just have to thank God for the beautiful life I have.

~

The human being is one of the most amazing creations of all time. So unique and detailed and complex, more than we could ever understand. But I think one of the most mind blowing things about us, is our amazing ability to completely change. It is our choice, and we can completely turn around everything we do, for whatever reason we have. Ultimately, no one else in this world has jurisdiction over what we choose to do or become. And if we don't like something, or we find something new, we can change. 

In preparing for my mission, one of the things I have been thinking about so much lately is this change, this conversion. To convert means to change in form, character, or function. It is so personal, and so internal. Often this term is associated with religious meaning, but it doesn't always have to be - you can change anything, whether its the way you eat, your hair color, or what you believe in. However, the religious context of this word is something that I find so fascinating.

Often times we hear people say, "Yeah, I was born into the church." Of course we all know what they mean - their parents are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and they were born into the covenant. However, I think this phrase gives off a little bit of a misconception - no one is born a member of the church. No one is born believing everything their parents believe. And they never can be fully committed to the church solely because their parents believe. Everyone is a convert to the church - everyone must go through this conversion that we always hear about.

I believe to convert means to change your heart and your mind, to take upon you the name of Christ, never again desiring to do evil, but to do good continually. When we are baptized into the church, we are definitely changed by the actual laying on of hands and receiving of the Holy Ghost. But it is so much deeper than this! You can receive the gift of the Holy Ghost without being born of the spirit. This is an ordinance. We need to also have a spiritual transformation. The spirit changes the very nature of the individual. They will receive Christ's imagine in their countenance and feel to sing the song of redeeming love (Alma 5:14,26). We will then have an educated conscience, educated desires, and educated passions.

Mosiah 5 is stellar, and key to understanding conversion. This chapter is part of King Benjamin's speech to his people. He truly cared about his people - if you read the entire speech, he took so many measures to make sure they heard and understood him, and really had the chance to believe. We can all be missionaries in the sense that King Benjamin was - everyone on the planet at least deserves a chance to hear this gospel and believe in it. This is why I want  to serve a mission. Because I believe that everyone deserves the chance that I had.

VERSE 2 - "Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken to us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually."

VERSE 7 - And now, because of this covenant which ye have made, ye shall be called the Children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith in his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters.
This is so key. I am fascinated by the idea of being born again of the spirit, and that is exactly what happens when we are converted. Being born again, or 'spiritually begotten' of Christ also comes with this new parentage - we become sons and daughters of Christ. Recall Ether 3:14. "Behold, I am he who was prepared from the foundation of the world to redeem my people. Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son. In me shall all mankind have life, and that eternally, even they who shall believe in my name; and they shall become my sons and my daughters."

VERSE 8-9 - And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ... And...whoever doeth this shall be found on the right hand of God, for he shall know the name by which he is called; for he shall be called by the name of Christ.
There is power in the name of Christ. Demons recognize it and tremble at that name.

And now for my favoritest verses of the entire chapter.

VERSE 12-13 - I say unto you, I would that ye should remember to retain the name written always in your hearts, that ye are not found on the left hand of God, but that ye hear and know the voice by which ye shall be called, and also, the name by which he shall call you. For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?
Wow. This makes me think, "Do I really know Christ? Will I know him when I see him, and hear him when he calls me? Will I recognize his voice? Can I discern his voice from the voice of the the evil one?". I believe that our sins can be blessing in disguise, because as we repent and utilize the Atonement, we come to know and understand Christ. This can also be done through service to him. It must be the goal of our lives to be able to recognize his voice when he calls us.

VERSE 15 - Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works, that Christ, the Lord Omnipotent may seal you his.

The power to change is something that we may never come to truly appreciate. It is SO powerful. And after changing ourselves, think of the power you hold to change someone else's mind. This is what missionary work is all about. The power to change peoples hearts and minds, and show them the potential they really have, through the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ. I love this gospel, and I love missionary work. I love that I hold the power to change someone for the better. We all do. By changing their mind, you will change they way the live, think, and act, and even what they may become. This ability is unmatched, it is greater than any super power. You can wish to fly, or to be invisible; but to change someone else's entire world for eternity is truly a power of the Gods. And maybe that someone is yourself.

You can change. People can change you, and in return you can change others for the good. I am so grateful for wonderful examples, because I can definitely say I have changed to be free from my failures, choose success, I have chosen to live my dreams, and have done things that scared me, and I am now the  ME that wants to shine out from my heart.